Sunday 3:26 pm
Sunday! My favorite day for several reasons and over the last month I make sure to catch Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday. And judge not before you check it out! Her programing has taken on new heights, I have discovered such great material and learned really profound things. Not that her other endeavors weren’t great but you get what Im saying. Its opened up a doorway for discovering new and amazing material. The productions are incredible and the guest are insightful and thought provoking. Master Class is another great show too, as its less about spirituality per say, and is focused on the life of really profound people as they tell their own unique stories. So I say all that to say I caught Super Soul Sunday with Marianne Williamson today, it was a rerun and I was so grateful I caught it! Lets just say that after about 15 minutes in, I found myself crying on my couch. It spoke to me so loudly, it was as if God was speaking to me himself…as crazy as that sounds…it was true! Wow. It was powerful. It literally answered my prayers.
I’d been asking for clarity and it came. All at one time, it seemed like. Surely I had been preparing for this moment with all the work I’d been doing up until this point. I was writing, meditating, actively learning and trying to understand the lesson before me. And It’s always an ongoing process, as I make an effort to learn something everyday. But every time I felt like I had a handle on it, the lesson would expand. The issues I was facing seemed to get deeper and more dimensional than previously thought. I felt like I couldn’t fully reach the bottom of it. Not to mention I was writing about it and understood it very clearly on an intellectual level, but the deeper meaning of it all finally hit me today.
The ultimate conclusion - I HAVE NOT BEEN LOVING ENOUGH. As Marianne put it, “only what I am not giving can be lacking in any given situation.” Yet it was not for lack of trying. I have certainly been more open hearted and way more accountable than I have ever been before. But when I really started to see a change in myself, I expected the same level of change in others that were close to me as well. I’d been so much more empathetic and understanding to those around me that I expected no less in return. And when it didn’t show up right away or as often as I liked, I felt hurt and doubted the integrity of my newly renewed self. I thought that surely the people close to me would recognize my growth and would consciously return the same level of reciprocity. I wasn’t patient. I expected to see a change in my relationships immediately and I was disappointed when I didn’t see it right away.
Eventually I started to feel unappreciated and I began slowly closing my heart back up. Not only to romantic partners but to friends, co-workers and clients as well. I wasn’t loving authentically anymore. And due to my bitterness, It all started to became a game to see how I could manipulate my way into getting what I needed. When in reality my angst and bitterness kept me from receiving love, no matter what game I convinced myself to play. The cloud of my anger became an illusion, I thought it was real. I convinced myself that those people didn’t really care about me or love me. And the fear of not being loved, understood or feeling disconnected perpetuated the illusion. It got strong, bigger, more cunning. I was completely blinded by it.
So where is the magic in all of this? This is what Marianne taught me today: the miracles of life are born from love not fear. Those miracles are as simple as the feeling of overwhelming joy, happiness and the power of love etc. “Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. A miracle is a shift in perception from fear to love.” When you hold on to the pain and bitterness in life you will close your heart to love. You are no longer being able to receive the miracles the universe or God ALREADY has in store for you. When you are holding a grudge, you are deflecting miracles from reaching you.These miracles are not random, but are the blessings we receive everyday when we choose to consciously take the path of love, not fear.
I understood all of this as I sat on my couch with tears streaming down my face…I had been on the path of fear for the last several months. Certainly I had made a lot of progress. There was a little more love in my life, but still a lot of fear. I was afraid to take that big leap in my career because I feared I wouldn’t be good enough. I had disagreements with friends because I believed they didn’t understand me enough. I should have told that guy, that I love him, unconditionally but I feared the rejection. Fear. Terrifying fear. Just thinking of it now, my stomach still turns. And because of that fear, I missed out. Because I was not giving, I was not able to receive. Ultimately, I was empty, depleted, searching for the answers.
I kept seeing my life as “some where I was getting to” as opposed to already being there. Always searching for the path to get “there.” I had been viewing my current path as though it were not good enough and surely IT was why I wasn’t receiving the miracles I so desperately seeked. But instead, all that is happening right now, in this moment, IS the path. It is all apart of the curriculum that is my journey. Each piece, each lesson proving to be just as valuable and relevant as the next. As I realized that, there, in that moment, on my couch, crying my eyes out, it all clicked. It was so profound, it was a miracle…
And just really quickly, I want to be clear. I’ve never really used words like miracle or God until now because of the meaning placed on them growing up, I didn’t understand what they meant. Due to societal constructs around the usage of religion in the world, it all just seemed like disconnected buzz words that we were supposed to automatically believe in. Really big concepts that we were supposed to believe because someone said so and there were ‘dire’ consequences if we didn’t. I never followed or follow anything that doesn’t make sense to me and growing up the fanaticism of religion just for religious sake, didn’t make sense to me. It wasn’t until I learned about spirituality on my own terms. I learned to discover these practices in less conventional ways that made sense to me. I found what spoke to me. And I really wanna make that clear because I don’t want to give the impression that Im trying to be ‘holy roley’ by throwing religious banter around loosely. Because I don’t. It is only now that I understand these concepts in a really concrete way. And I use some words interchangeable because language is not always so strict and linear like we have been taught to believe. The power and magnitude of the universe is so great that words cannot do it justice any way. It is bigger and greater than we can even imagine! It just matters that whatever words you use to express your spirituality, higher self, or whatever you call it, do in fact work for you! Just wanted to clear that up in case there is confusion with some of the verbiage I choose.
But the great thing about the universe is that nothing is ever lost. It is always there. Sure I missed out in those moments of fear and illusion, but the love that I seek is still there. It just means that the miracles I was deflecting, I was not ready to receive at that time. If you have been deflecting miracles or have deflected a miracle it is still held in trust for you until you are ready for it. Love never dissipates, it is always there. The sky is always blue even if there is cloud cover. Opening your heart is the decisive act of opening yourself up to all the possibility that has already been laid before you. What is lost can always be found. Who have you not forgiven? What pain and anger are you holding onto? What delusions of fear have you been believing? Let love in again.
Check out the Marianne Williamson episode videos here!