Tuesday 9:01pm

Testing, testing, 1,2,3…I’m baaackkk Lol. It’s been over a year since I’ve written to you and it feels so good to be here! I was reminded today of how special this diary had become. There were two people who reminded me of why I started it in the first place and I’d like to thank them so very much, they know who they are! You are appreciated! And I thank everybody who as ever read one of my posts and those who have continual supported me in all that I do. THANK YOU!

This year has been so special for me. And I don’t mean that in the sense that I’ve been “blessed” with so much stuff or whatever. I mean it as an ode to gratitude. I’ve learned some really profound lessons over the last two years and finally this year I was able to put it all together. Understand it all, accept it, transform it and apply it. So many things I wanna share with you, but I will take my time here…Most importantly I learned and am continually learning to rely on myself. And I don’t mean in the physical sense, i.e. food, shelter, water, I mean on a deeper, internal level. So many people and things that I held dear to me a year or two ago were seemingly whisked out of my life. And I felt like I had no control over it, no real say in it. So many things I gave my heart to didn’t work out, people I gave everything to just left. And it hurt because I believed that those things were apart of my foundation somehow, one that I believed was lasting, at least on some level. But it wasn’t and more and more as I continued on, I began to finally understand why. I thought my foundation was in the people I cared about, a career path I loved and my family. But that’s not were stability truly comes from.

As I continued letting go of my life as I knew it in Atlanta, the new began unfolding in California. New people, new work, new love, new friends, new experiences. Initially I spent a good few months reconciling my past and really getting all the lessons I could from it, I studied myself, learned more about myself, I learned how to find myself on a deeper level. I meditated, journaled, read and read and read. I became a student of my own life, of the Uni-verse. Took stock. Got honest about how I’d really  gotten to that point. I made peace with it, made peace with myself. I learned to stop beating up on myself. I now understood that nothing is out of order and everything is for your benefit and every experience is preparation for the next. And it was HARD. Lol. I would never front, parts of that shit sucked. I cried, I was angry, I was frustrated, I was defeated at times, and I struggled. But I knew I had to do it.

I knew that If I was really serious about what I wanted in life, I was gonna have to change my ways. I had to change my lens, see it differently in order to understand the value of what I had just gone through. And once I did, I opened myself up to so many new opportunities. Getting to the light at the end of that tunnel felt so amazing, and it continues to. I learned that getting in alignment with who I really was, was the most important thing to do. It is step one to realizing all that you are. And As I began to embrace my true self more, things in my life became clearer. It became clearer to me that, no person, job, thing, or relationship, are ever barometers for how you should feel about yourself or your value on this planet. I realized that everything I wanted in this life I could have. Failure or lack of anything is never an indication that you are in some way inadequate. Worth is not measured, it is understood. The fullness of who you are in this world is all that really matters. It’s what really counts. 

Push yourself. If you can’t get the best out of yourself, who will? Nobody can do more for your well-being better than you can. No one else is accountable or responsible for your happiness or your greatness. No one will make your dreams come true for you. NO ONE. Everything you need is inside of you, but you must believe that first. So with that being said, I’ve certainly had some new challenges over the last year and I’m excited to tell you about them and all I’ve learned thus far. So much is on the horizon as 2015 approaches. I know I’m not the only one who has had their share of bumps and bruises, I think everybody has learned a thing or two this year. So here is to the next chapter, and many more, to be continued…

Thank you again dearest reader, 

Much love!

-Duckie

Wednesday 2:08 p.m.

I’m realizing that in life if you feel like you are constantly heading your head against the wall you are probably choosing not to surrender. Surrendering, which means accepting EXACTLY what is being presenting in your life whether, you like it or no, can prove very difficult if you fail to learn the value of what’s being presented. Often we are giving not what we want but what we need. And no, I’m not talking material things necessarily… I realized I’ve been banging my head against the wall over the last few months about a few key issues in my life right now. Finally I’ve come to the point where I’m no longer failing to accept the reality of my current circumstances. Not kinda, not sort of, but all the way.

I Understand intellectually and spiritually what I must do and what is required of me but it means that I must make some sacrifices and some tough decisions. And in my case that means, I am on a path I never thought I’d be on, and there are people and things I once thought I’d never be without. And to be honest, it took quite some time to come to grips with that. Completely. But that is the test. You can either complain and wallow in the fact that you didn’t get your way and gripe about how this wasn’t the way you imagined things going, or you can realize that this is what life has given you, for a reason. You must agree to make a choice whether or not  you are going to surrender and accept that fully. And once you have made that choice, you must also realize with that you have a responsibility to do what is necessary to see that decision through. 

I’ve realized that in order for the change I envisioned for myself to actually happen, I have to accept that in order to receive the actual life changing events I was seeking, I was gonna have to commit 100% to certain things and circumstances wholeheartedly. Making life changing decisions and accepting them completely, takes a serious commitment. Courage. Fearlessness. It means that you may have to give up everything you thought you wanted or how you pictured events panning out. If you are serious about changing your life’s path you must first know, that in your heart, that is exactly what you want to do.

Emotional intention dictates everything. Change does not happen if you have one foot in and one foot out. The outcome of any situation is directly proportional to your deep seated feelings about it, whether ego driven or conscious (‘love’ driven). I realized that I had to fully commit to moving on from certain things and people I once held on to dearly. I’ve realized that this new journey I’ve begun requires me to do so. It means that none of it has any use in what I’m getting ready to embark on now, except the lessons that were learned then.

I’ve gotten frustrated over the last few months feeling as though the change I’ve been wanting to see has been moving at a glacial pace. The 'letting go’, for example, was taking entirely too long… I believed  I wasn’t  seeing the change because I thought, “It’s the outter circumstances that need to change and those are out of my control, so how can I make a choice if I feel like I have none?” I discovered that because I was still tussling with my emotions, going back and forth about how I felt, I kept myself stuck in limbo. I was teetering the line, never fully making a decisive choice whether to hold on or let go. I believed that the outer circumstances needed to change in order for me to be fulfilled and at peace. And because I had no control over those things, as that is the job of the Uni-verse, I considered myself powerless and absolved from participating in the process. I thought somehow that if I just left it up to the Uni-verse, it would make a decision for me. But that is being passive in a process that requires you to be proactive.

You must be conscious, aware and clear about your intentions in order to elicit the change you want to see. If your intention is to move on completeley then be decisive and do the things you need to do, to see that change happen. You have the responsibility to make conscious choices in your life. Peace and happiness come from making a choice based on the options that are given. And sometimes those options aren’t ones we want nor planned for. And just because you can’t control every aspect of your life doesn’t mean you are absolved from the responsibility to choose within the parameters given. Failing to make a choice is still indeed, making one.

Just because I didn’t like the outcome of certain situations didn’t mean I was allowed to sit and sulk, letting it make me feel bad about myself or stuck. The power of choice doesn’t come from your ability to choose what you want and then expecting to always get it, it means choosing the best option suited for the path you ultimately want to live. Just because we want something with all of our heart doesn’t guarentee that we will get it at the very moment we desire it. Perhaps it means that in order to receive it, you must earn it and there is still work to be done.

Never give up on your heart’s desires! It leads to the path you are here to live. It is your path of greatness, destiny and love. But in order to follow your heart’s desires you have to make a commitment to ALWAYS choose to live from your heart.

Much Love

-Duckie

Wednesday 3:08 p.m.

Wow I can’t believe its October already. Where has this year gone. Yet again, it has taken me a month to write another post. Partly because I’ve been doubting if sharing my meandering experiences are all that exciting, all of the time. But really, the more I was sharing about my life the more I became nervous about being so open about how I was feeling. Yet, that is the fear of invulnerability and its supposed repercussions of which are fear based and therefore not real! So I say all that to say here I am, I’ve gotten over ‘myself’ and don’t think for a second that I’d forgotten about you!

Another reason Ive been so quiet, however, is because I’ve been taking a lot of time to read, reflect and get into touch with some deep seated issues that have come up. And when I say issues, I mean things that cause turmoil is some area, habits that are no longer useful, or just dealing with some emotions that have been stuffed down. The word 'issues’ gets a really bad wrap. Everyone has them and they are nothing to be ashamed about, they are just things within our soul that need healing or acknowledgment. They span from everything in life - whether its deep rooted trust issues that stem from childhood wounds or your daily starbucks habit that has gotten obsessive and needs revising. 

Often we try and dodge our issues. Assuming they are the results of others people wrong doings or by simply pretending they are not a problem. Or perhaps you have been getting in touch with your higher self and are still not seeing the change you’d been hoping for. Well, Im here to challenge you a little bit…Could it be that maybe you haven’t been fully trusting or listening. Did you stop and think that maybe you haven’t been listening to the whispers of your intuition? The Uni-verse has in fact been telling you the answers all along and you chose to believe you knew better instead. Have you been so absorbed in your ego, (And by ego I mean Fear disguising its righteously skewed intellect as truth) that being 'right’ was your reason for denying what you knew in your heart to be true?

Now, remember, what is true and what we think we want or deserve are not always the same thing. Often we like to believe that if God really is listening he will give us whatever it is we ask for. But the truth is, we recieve what we need to evlolve our soul and we get exactly what it is we are giving. We receive whatever it is we intend. Our emotional intentions are what drive us to take action. Whether they stem from fear or love is what determines what we will receive. If you are not aware of your fear driven intentions and are unconcious as to how they shape your life you will forever be a slave to them.

To move past fear when you are in the grips of it, requires a conscious and present mind. It means always choosing to act from your heart, which means you are acting from love. Love is the only thing that brings clarity, light, peace, joy. When things in life don’t seem to go our way or we are hurt by others, we feel angry, bitter, vengeful, manipulative and we continually choose not to forgive. Without forgiveness, the heart will close or will remain closed. Thus locking out love and perpetuating the ego, leaving you in the dark and in fear. Trust me, I know a thing or two about being in the dark. As a scorpion child, ruled by the planet of the underworld, Pluto, I’ve never been afraid of the dark. The darkness in the unconscious mind is a dark and scary place. But if you learn how to face it fear-LESSLY, you will always find the light. And every time you rediscover it, the light just gets brighter and you experience a greater love.  

As Gary Zukav so eloquently states in The Seat of the Soul:

A soul can find it difficult to walk the way of Light through the course of an incarnation. It can find that learning to live in Light is a difficult sojourn. Through the choices that it makes while it is incarnate upon the Earth - the choice of anger instead of forgiveness, for example, or condemnation instead of understanding - a soul accumulates negative karma. As it leaves its body, it remains enveloped with the quality of Light that it acquired through the choices that it make while it was upon the Earth. When that soul has to create another personality, it will have to create personality that is drawn from this well. Therefore, it will create a personality of more limitations.

Marianne Williamson discusses making 'the choice to love’ so well in her book  A Return to Love (Reflections on the Principles of 'A Course in Miracles’):

What we think of as people’s guilt is their fear. All negativity derives from fear. When someone is angry, they are afraid. When someone is rude, they are afraid. When someone is manipulative, they are afraid. When someone is cruel, they are afraid. There is no fear that love does not dissolve. There is no negativity that forgiveness does not transform.

Darkness is merely the absence of light, and fear is merely the absence of love. We can’t get rid of darkness by hitting it with a baseball bat, because there is nothing to hit. If we want to be rid of darkness, we must turn on a light. Similarly, if we want to be rid of fear, we cannot fight it but must replace it with love.

The choice to love is not always easy, The ego puts up terrible resistance to giving up fear-laden responses. This is where the Holy Spirit comes in. It’s not our job to change our own perceptions, but to remember to ask Him to change them for us. 

Let’s say your husband left you for another woman. You can’t change other people, and you can’t ask God to change them either. You can, however, ask to see this situation differently. You can ask for peace. You can ask the Holy Spirit to change your perceptions. The miracle is that, as you release judgment of your husband and the other woman, the pain in your gut begins to subside.

The ego might say in that situation that you’ll never be at peace until your husband comes back. But peace isn’t determined by circumstances outside us. Peace stems from forgiveness. Pain doesn’t stem from the love we’re denied by others, but rather from the love that we deny them. In a case like that, it feels as though we’re hurt by what someone else did. But what really has occurred is that someone else’s closed heart has tempted us to close our own, and it is our own denial of love that hurts us.

Until the next time friends.

Much Love!

-Duckie 

Wednesday July 14th 10:02 p.m.

I just want to take this time before I begin this post to thank all of you who have read my blog, whether one post or all. Your readership means so much to me and I want you guys to know that. And those of you who reached out to me to tell me how much my blog has touched you means so much to me! I appreciate you taking the time not only to read my blog but to reach out to me and tell me! It blows my mind, and Im so grateful to have you all on this journey with me. For real. 

For me, the blog has in its own way, held me accountable. Accountable to myself, the integrity of my journey, and my purpose. Declaring and fully believing in my purpose has really shaped the way I go about things now more than ever before. Everything on the journey of life has a purpose. Whether a ‘stranger’ reminded you of kindness and put a smile on your face or you had a tough conversation that resulted in much desired peace between both parties. Moments in life no matter how great or small are all valuable. And the more you begin to see just how valuable every moment is, the more you live your life more consciously and purposefully. You begin to let life in, instead of rushing around from one thing to the next on autopilot… So preoccupied with your conditioned thoughts running on repeat that you forget to let silence in and appreciate every moment that is happening…right now. Do you ever get that feeling that life is passing you by? Yeah, well thats exactly what happens when you fail to see that joy, peace and love are all around you if you bother to pay attention and see it that way! Its up to you! Every moment is a teacher of some kind, whether a 'negative’ or 'positive’ experience it is telling you something. A radical concept, but profound and simple indeed.

Discovering this has opened up a kind of spaciousness in me, one that allows me to flow with life, not resist it. As I’ve gotten more clear about my vision and what I am here to do, I no longer do things that don’t align with my true feelings or that go against my authentic self and ultimate goals. part of the confusion around the words 'purpose’ and 'destiny’ is that we are conditioned to believe all of that equates to material things and tangible success. We are taught to paint a picture of what happiness looks like and mirror it. Why have we fallen victim to such text book definitions of happiness, joy and love? Part of our purpose here is to experience joy and love all the time, in whatever way suits us. But in ways that uplift our spirit and keep a healthy body and mind. Whether you find joy in leaving work early to walk your dogs or that hobby you enjoy so much even though others might think you’re a weirdo…or you dream of owning your own business. You are to do the things that bring you fulfillment and joy in life, period.

But let me be clear, I’m not discouraging or denouncing monetary and material success! Life is meant to be bountiful and abundant…just not at the expense of your soul. Your close relationships and the value of family are just as important as being able to pay your mortgage and put food on the table. One is not as enjoyable without the other. Yet, I would argue that your relationship with others and yourself are more important. The true miracles of life come more frequently when you are in alignment with yourself and what is deeply important to you. Let’s not underestimate the value of support and how amazing it feels to have people around you that truly care about you and have your best interest at heart. They are apart of what makes life worth living, they help us through it. It’s what we are all here to do. Connecting to your light within and the souls you connect with on this earth plane are what create great fulfillment in life. 

Stop resisting the flow of life and open your eyes to all the amazing moments life brings on a daily basis. Get really clear about what is speaking to you, take more time to listen to your inner voice. Intuition only speaks in silence. So get going! Write down all the things you’ve ever wanted to do and start making changes in your life to see those things happen. Be completely honest with yourself about that inner turmoil you’ve been avoiding and start to let go and heal those wounds. Free yourself so you can open yourself up to what you are really here to do. Open your eyes up to the love that is already around you and most importantly realize that love begins within you. The light of the Uni-verse is within all of us, we are made of it and that light is love. Its carried in our hearts. So take care of it, treasure it and let it guide you.

Much Love!

-Duckie

Monday 9:34 p.m.

Long time no see. I hope you guys have been doing well. Ive been enjoying being back home, so sorry Ive left you so long! Ive gotten back to myself in a way I haven’t seen in quite a while. Its been great to be super busy again - between working, hanging out with my family and chillin’ in the city, it feels good to be back. After my last entry, I was full of understanding, inspiration and joy that it lead me to get really serious about the path I was choosing to be on. And if I really believed in all the stuff Ive been claiming, It means a serious commitment. But the beautiful thing about transformation is that it brings an enormous amount of clarity. With that clarity I was able to more clearly define and understanding my purpose and ultimately what I’ve envisioned for myself. but here is what Ive discovered since I wrote you last…

All you can expect in life is the will of the universe. expecting things to always turn out the way you see them is a delusion of your conditioned and patterned mind. Things turn out the way they are supposed to, things follow a divine plan, nothing in which you have complete control over at all.

As Ive been on this journey Im learning how to better overcome the lose of some really close relationships. Many of which left me really hurt and betrayed. With every step towards healing, I continually find out more and more about myself, my habits, tendencies and patterns. And in turn, Im now able to be completely accountable for my fault in the things that fell apart. Not only am I more aware of myself, Im now more understanding of where they may be at in life and not take the things they do so personally. But more than that, Im now realizing that it was the expectations that I unknowingly placed on people that caused me to be let down. Not to say that they were not disappointing but I understand that those are just my expectations of how the situation should’ve been handled. And people always have some sort of reason to justifying their actions whether they understand them or not.

But moreover, I realize there is still a disconnect in all of that. Some how the logic above is slightly skewed. It wasn’t that I necessarily had ill intented or unrealistic expectations, it was the fact that I didnt communicate them properly or consciously. Nor did I consider that a freindship and relationship requires both parties equally. And just as much as I failed to wright the ship, so did they. Just as I had my issues and patterns, so did they.

Often my expectations are always based on how much I care for the integrity of the friendship or relationship. I only want the best for those people around me, period. And not for my sake but strickly because I see their true potential and I want them to be their best, reach their dreams, fulfill their destiny, live their passion and more importantly find real happiness. If I call you a friend, I truly want the best for you, not matter what. And sometimes my expectations for those close to me seem too high, unrealistic or even pushy. but that is not my intent. I realize I had expectiations for certain people in my life and our relationship, yet I never communicated affectively about what they were, what I needed from them or how we could compromise so both of our needs are met. Once again, I was holding back and afraid to speak my truth. and it wasn’t because it was unrealistic or not feasable but because I feared the vulnerability of it all. I feared that I would scare them away with my honesty. The unfortunate part is I know now that, that very thing is what ultimately destroyed the relationship.

I feared that I would be asking for too much and they would reject me, leaving me feeling unworthy, yet again… (notice a pattern of entrenched unworthiness in my posts yet? Yeah, me too). But let me remind you this is just how my mind justified and created assumptions that werent true. Yet I believed them. I let my distorted mind control the situation and I neglected my feelings and desires. I deflated the potential of what they could offer me and our relationship simply by not adequately expressing how I felt. And Im not talking major confrontation or hot button issues necessarily, these were small things I could have diplomatically and openly expressed. I vividly remember times I could have changed the fate of things simply by speaking up and expressing how I truly felt, but I didn’t. And Im not just talking about asking them to change this or that, I didn’t express my gratitude enough either. I didn’t tell them how much I valued them and how much they meant to me, I just made demands. And at times, those demands were not said very nicely. And the moments I could have spoke up, I sat there going back and forth in my mind whether or not to say anything. Sad to say, I let my mind talk my heart out of it most of the time.

And despite knowingly keeping my expectations a secret, I still expected people to know what I needed from them in our relationship. And when they didnt act accordingly, I became increasingly resentful. Silently blaming them for “wrong" doings when I never made any of my expecations clear in the first place. - News Flash - No one is a mind reader - Over time, I would periodically lash out in anger due to all of the emotions I’d been stuffing down and hiding. Once I got to a boiling point, I would explode with some pretty nasty words and I know they really stung some people badly. Yikes. And when I say Im a true blue scorpio woman, Im serious. Yet what’s even more damaging, is that I was not completely aware of how badly my outburst were severely damaging my closest relationships. Nor was I aware of just how deadly this pattern of my mine was.

But here is the emotional kicker… those that know my heart know that I never mean to hurt anyone, and often my passion and intensity are misconstrued and often misinterpreted. And often times I feel misunderstood because my heart is always in the right place yet so often Im labeled the bad guy for some of my ways of expression. And please believe, I have matured, this is something I’ve come along way with. And I make efforts everyday to change those patterns, and Im better at communicating than I was say…just last week without a doubt. And the last thing I ever wanna do is hurt someone really close to me, or any person for that matter.

As tough as its been without some of these people in my life, I understand what it is I had to learn. And if the chance to be apart of each others lives comes back around again, I will know how to do it right. So what Im saying is, follow your heart and don’t be afraid to speak up. Dont forget to show your gratidue and love for people in your life. And know that as much as you want someone to succeed or be their best, you have to accept the moments they fall short of the mark. And understand that everyone is on their own course in life and as much as we may influence that course directly or indirectly, we never have any part in the final course of action taken. Let the will of the Uni-verse be done. Let the man upstairs do his work and know that we are all apart of a greater plan, one that we dont always understand right away. But if you believe and let go, his path will take you to great heights.

Much Love!

-Duckie

sunday 1:00 p.m.

Everything Ive been learning for the past year just came full circle today. I looked back and remembered things people said to me in deep conversations and it was only today that I understood what they were trying to tell me. I was so convinced that I was fully understanding what they were trying to tell me. and when they told me I wasn’t hearing them…I dismissed that message too. I was so caught up in seeing my “agenda” through, that nothing anyone said, no matter how close they were to me, resonated. Friends I’ve known for years were worried about me and all they tried to do was tell me, but I couldn’t hear them. Anything they said that deviated from my way of thinking was nearly dismissed or taken as malice. I felt like everyone was against me, not with me. Friends Ive known for several years had become the enemy. They were trying to tell me that they didn’t recognize who I was seemingly becoming.

And fundamentally nothing changed about my personality so I couldn’t see why they were so adamant about the things they were saying. I was still me. And if nothing else, I have grown up, the way I communicate has matured. And I was hurt that nobody came to me with things as soon as they became a real problem for them. And as things escalated, assumptions about where I was at emotionally were made and it felt like betrayal. It felt like everybody thought they knew what was really going on with me when they didn’t. I just wanted them to trust that, as crazy as it looked, I would handle it on my own. So many things could have been cleared up sooner, before they got worse. If people came to me and were honest about their feelings I would have been elated at the prospect of clearing things up. A little lesser known fact about me… Im really a softy behind my tough exterior and if you come to me with your heart on your sleeve, I will always give you mine in return. But just as Marianne Williamson says “only what we are not giving, is lacking in any given situation.” And surely I wasn’t approaching anyone with my heart on my sleeve either…

I was fooling people, I wasn’t always presenting my authentic self because I was protecting the intimate details of my life I didn’t want to show. I wasn’t telling everybody the whole truth about my life. So nobody really knew how to approach me or felt like no matter what they said, I only heard what I wanted to. I do realize that just as some things about me improved, others things seemingly got worse. And I acknowledge I can seem a little prickly when it comes to approaching me with issues. Yet, there were things that were going on that only I could fix and I needed space away from certain people to do that. I really didn’t want anyones input. I needed to see my patterns for myself. I discovered that once I feel Ive been betrayed, my trust for those around me goes out the window. yikes. Big discovery… Once I stopped trusting, I would look for “evidence” that would prove my theory of “everyone’s against me” right. And just as I was looking for it, I surely found it. Or so I believed. I made assumptions about how they felt about me and assumed they had some sort of agenda. I was constantly looking through the distorted lens of fear. I single handedly manifested everything I was afraid of. I brought it on by the thoughts I came to believe. A scary reminder of how we really do manifest our own realities…

And to make matters worse, there were moments I was still emotionally on edge from the damage of a long relationship that finally ended last year. I still felt vulnerable and betrayed. That situation took so much out of me. And I really needed to find myself again. Yet, I put myself in emotionally charged situations shortly thereafter when in reality I needed to be alone for quite some time. And before I knew it my old emotional issues flooded back in and diluted my decision making for quite some time. The problem with that is, it made people think I wasn’t genuine in my feelings for them or it made them question the validity of our friendship because It appeared that I was playing a game. And that’s what hurts the most. I Feel like I deceived people that really cared about me and vice versa. And I did.  

And just as I was going through things, so were they. And I too realized I had to forgive them for the way they handled things as well. Everyone is going through things in life that have nothing to do with us and so often we take everything they do personally some how. And why was I so pressed on hiding my life from people I called friends? Crazy. But sometimes you need to do things without the interference of others to get to the heart of your issues. I needed to learn how to follow my own voice in times when I wasn’t sure. I needed to learn how to whole heartedly trust my intuition when making decisions. I needed to learn how to create my own path without taking other’s opinions about my life as my own. I had to learn to believe in myself 100% despite what anyone else thought. I needed to learn what it meant to never compromise who I am nor should I ever be ashamed of the person I am. I needed to discover that I am enough, and I am worthy of success and having all that I desire in life. And I finally have learned these things. And it feels really amazing to have reached this point.

Do the homework and you will pass the test. All that I have been writing about up until this point has brought me to this epiphany today. Im very good about finding the light at the end of the tunnel because this thing called life truly fascinates me. And I always believe that I’ll get there, eventually. And that’s where it starts- belief & faith. I know some tunnels are longer and darker than others, but stay the course! Eventually you will make it to see the light again.

Much LOVE!

-Duckie

P.S.

To my besties, you know who you are, I love and care about you very much! And I know you feel the same about me, and I appreciate all of your support. I miss u guys! And I know we’ll see each other soon!

Friday 12:08 p.m.

Its been a while since I have written and I think I had a bit of writers block. But really I’ve been working on gaining clarity. Clarity to fully understand all that has been happening in my life and taking the time to listen to my inner knowing. It is hard to understand the gravity or repercussions of a situation when you are in the midst of it and it takes completely separating yourself from it to truly understand it most of the time. It is difficult to give up everything that you once knew or found comfort in. You feel as though you are leaving a part of yourself behind. Still hanging on to past hurts, confused about why things didn’t pan out accordingly or as quickly as you’d like. But that very uncertainty is what you must have trust in. If things leave you or are taken away it is because you were not ready to receive it, and you still have some work to do. And as hard as it is to accept that, perhaps, it was not meant, it is the only way to move forward.

I have learned a great deal now that all of my circumstances have changed. I didn’t realize how conditioned I was from it. I didn’t realize how paralyzed I had become in my circumstances. I believed so many things that just weren’t true. Not only about myself but about those around me and life itself. I placed so much of my success and self-worth in the hands of others because I believed I needed some sort of outside validation. When in reality all of that was a mirror to show me how I was really feeling about myself. 

Life changes so quickly sometimes. It almost feels like change has been happening around me too fast. It seems as though Im receiving challenges and learning the lessons from them more quickly. Spurring my growth faster than before. My whole perspective and reality has changed in a matter of a few months very profoundly. I think this is because I’ve shifted my perspective from ‘trying to get what I want’ to ‘receiving what the Uni-verse would like me to have at the present moment’. This happened when I understood the value of going with the flow of life instead of going against it, when I felt like things should’ve been different. Often we fight that notion because of its uncertainty. But, when did we attain the ability to be 100% certain about what life will brings us? Uh…Never. The foundation and security of life is not found in the outer material world but rather in the peace we create with in ourselves. It comes when you discover the love and the inner peace that is already within you. Your inner voice and purpose is the foundation. It is the light that guides you.

Yet, so often we fight to find our foundation in others and the material world. No matter how close or involved with someone you are, your paths could diverge at any time, leaving you feeling alone, searching for fulfillment again. Whether the departure is amicable or not, it is always a possibility. Your desires in life could change, or your unresolved baggage could continually rear its ugly head and slowly erode the situation, forcing you into a new direction. Then what? The reality is, life is giving you a great lesson. Know that when you are facing a crossroads, take the road less traveled. Don’t take the road that you have traveled a thousand times, for you already know where that leads. If you don’t challenge yourself to break free from patterns that no longer serve you, then you are choosing the path of unhappiness and fear. Although this new path may at first seem dark, scary and shrouded with doubt, understand that it is the only way to the light, to the enlightenment of your spirit.

You have the power to create and destroy your own path. Only you possess that power. It doesn’t matter what anyone did or said to you, for their actions too create THIER path. You always have the conscious CHOICE to choose which path you will take. Actualizing that power is what allows you to be 100% responsible and accountable for your life. That is what self-actualiation is all about. Actualizing your true self based on a path of self-love, authenticity and responsibility. 

In life there will forever be duality, where there is light, there is shadow. Yet, the more light we seek, the less shadow we see. Take a look at the path that you are choosing. Choose what speaks to you and go fearlessly. Sometimes on our path we feel that we are behind or ahead, but the path is long and it is only with ourselves. Know that wherever you are, that is where you are meant to be, but do what is necessary to move forward even when it hurts. The pain only comes from our limited view of what we THINK should be happening or not happening. Or when we hold onto things out of fear. Open yourself up to all the possibility that lay before you. Possibility only resides in the path NOT YET TAKEN. It holds your destiny and the key to all that you have dreamt for yourself. When we open up our perspective and let more light in, everything begins to open up and things that once seemed impossible become attainable. 

So how do we see the light when we are sitting in the dark?
Love. Letting go of all the toxicity and bitterness we have been harboring. Healing old wounds, surrendering to life as it is and finding forgiveness for ourselves and others is the path to happiness. Choosing love means you are dismissing fear. Holding onto fear and bitterness is what makes life hard. Pain’s only purpose is to show you where in your life you are not loving enough. Pain is not meant to last or be held onto. Its only purpose is to show you where you do not want to be. It is a fleeting teacher, that is all. Pain and shadow are the ego, and if you continue to hold on to it, you are feeding it, and it grows bigger. It consumes your life until you recognize that YOU  are the cause of its growth and the pain it continually brings in your life. And just has we have the power to harbor pain we also have the power to harness love. YOU MAKE THAT CHOICE. 

So stop worrying about shit that doesn’t serve your highest self. Let go of things that don’t fill you up with love. Take a new path and watch all of life open up before your eyes. Those that seek the light will surely find it. You have the power to change your circumstances right now simply by choosing to see things differently. Instead of focusing on lack and pain focus on prosperity and joy. Change the course of your thoughts from fear to love and watch the shift begin! Let the foundation of your life rest in the light of your spirit, self-love and peace. I believe in you and its about time you did too!

Much LOVE!

-Duckie

Sunday 3:26 pm

Sunday! My favorite day for several reasons and over the last month I make sure to catch Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday. And judge not before you check it out! Her programing has taken on new heights, I have discovered such great material and learned really profound things. Not that her other endeavors weren’t great  but you get what Im saying. Its opened up a doorway for discovering new and amazing material. The productions are incredible and the guest are insightful and thought provoking. Master Class is another great show too, as its less about spirituality per say, and is focused on the life of really profound people as they tell their own unique stories. So I say all that to say I caught Super Soul Sunday with Marianne Williamson today, it was a rerun and I was so grateful I caught it! Lets just say that after about 15 minutes in, I found myself crying on my couch. It spoke to me so loudly, it was as if God was speaking to me himself…as crazy as that sounds…it was true! Wow. It was powerful. It literally answered my prayers.

I’d been asking for clarity  and it came. All at one time, it seemed like. Surely I had been preparing for this moment with all the work I’d been doing up until this point. I was writing, meditating, actively learning and trying to understand the lesson before me. And It’s always an ongoing process, as I make an effort to learn something everyday. But every time I felt like I had a handle on it, the lesson would expand. The issues I was facing seemed to get deeper and more dimensional than previously thought. I felt like I couldn’t fully reach the bottom of it. Not to mention I was writing about it and understood it very clearly on an intellectual level, but the deeper meaning of it all finally hit me today. 

The ultimate conclusion - I HAVE NOT BEEN LOVING ENOUGH. As Marianne put it, “only what I am not giving can be lacking in any given situation.” Yet it was not for lack of trying. I have certainly been more open hearted and way more accountable than I have ever been before. But when I really started to see a change in myself, I expected the same level of change in others that were close to me as well. I'd  been so much more empathetic and understanding to those around me that I expected no less in return. And when it didn’t show up right away or as often as I liked, I felt hurt and doubted the integrity of my newly renewed self. I thought that surely the people close to me would recognize my growth and would consciously return the same level of reciprocity. I wasn’t patient. I expected to see a change in my relationships immediately and I was disappointed when I didn’t see it right away.

Eventually I started to feel unappreciated and I began slowly closing my heart back up. Not only to romantic partners but to friends, co-workers and clients as well. I wasn’t loving authentically anymore. And due to my bitterness, It all started to became a game to see how I could manipulate my way into getting what I needed. When in reality my angst and bitterness kept me from receiving love, no matter what game I convinced myself to play. The cloud of my anger became an illusion, I thought it was real. I convinced myself that those people didn’t really care about me or love me. And the fear of not being loved, understood or feeling disconnected perpetuated the illusion. It got strong, bigger, more cunning. I was completely blinded by it.

So where is the magic in all of this? This is what Marianne taught me today: the miracles of life are born from love not fear. Those miracles are as simple as the feeling of overwhelming joy, happiness and the power of love etc.  “Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. A miracle is a shift in perception from fear to love.” When you hold on to the pain and bitterness in life you will close your heart to love. You are no longer being able to receive the miracles the universe or God ALREADY has in store for you. When you are holding a grudge, you are deflecting miracles from reaching you.These miracles are not random, but are the blessings we receive everyday when we choose to consciously take the path of love, not fear.

I understood all of this as I sat on my couch with tears streaming down my face…I had been on the path of fear for the last several months. Certainly I had made a lot of progress. There was a little more love in my life, but still a lot of fear. I was afraid to take that big leap in my career because I feared I wouldn’t be good enough. I had disagreements with friends because I believed they didn’t understand me enough. I should have told that guy, that I love him, unconditionally but I feared the rejection. Fear. Terrifying fear. Just thinking of it now, my stomach still turns. And because of that fear, I missed out.  Because I was not giving, I was not able to receive. Ultimately, I was empty, depleted, searching for the answers. 

I kept seeing my life as “some where I was getting to” as opposed to already being there. Always searching for the path to get “there."  I had been viewing  my current path as though it were not good enough and surely IT was why I wasn’t receiving the miracles I so desperately seeked. But instead, all that is happening right now, in this moment, IS the path. It is all apart of the curriculum that is my journey. Each piece, each lesson proving to be just as valuable and relevant as the next. As I realized that, there, in that moment, on my couch, crying my eyes out, it all clicked. It was so profound, it was a miracle…

And just really quickly, I want to be clear. I’ve never really used words like miracle or God until now because of the meaning placed on them growing up, I didn’t understand what they meant. Due to societal constructs around the usage of religion in the world, it all just seemed like disconnected buzz words that we were supposed to automatically believe in. Really big concepts that we were supposed to believe because someone said so and there were ‘dire’ consequences if we didn’t. I never followed or follow anything that doesn’t make sense to me and growing up the fanaticism of religion just for religious sake, didn’t make sense to me. It wasn’t until I learned about spirituality on my own terms. I learned to discover these practices in less conventional ways that made sense to me. I found what spoke to me. And I really wanna make that clear because I don’t want to give the impression that Im trying to be 'holy roley’ by throwing religious banter around loosely. Because I don’t. It is only now that I understand these concepts in a really concrete way. And I use some words interchangeable because language is not always so strict and linear like we have been taught to believe. The power and magnitude of the universe is so great that words cannot do it justice any way. It is bigger and greater than we can even imagine! It just matters that whatever words you use to express your spirituality, higher self, or whatever you call it, do in fact work for you! Just wanted to clear that up in case there is confusion with some of the verbiage I choose. 

I digress…

But the great thing about the universe is that nothing is ever lost. It is always there. Sure I missed out in those moments of fear and illusion, but the love that I seek is still there. It just means that the miracles I was deflecting, I was not ready to receive at that time. If you have been deflecting miracles or have deflected a miracle it is still held in trust for you until you are ready for it. Love never dissipates, it is always there. The sky is always blue even if there is cloud cover. Opening your heart is the decisive act of opening yourself up to all the possibility that has already been laid before you. What is lost can always be found. Who have you not forgiven? What pain and anger are you holding onto? What delusions of fear have you been believing? Let love in again.

Much LOVE!

-Duckie

Check out the Marianne Williamson episode videos here!

Friday 8:57 p.m.

So I stumbled upon an amazing video on vulnerability this evening by Brene Brown, it was one of her talks on TED Talks and it was incredible. It was so fitting for a lot of what I’ve been talking about in my entries. About how I’m learning the power of it and how not to fear it but understanding the value of it. And in turn I’ve been encouraging you all to do the same. So as I sat and thought about all she talked about, I instantly thought of the last post I wrote.

And let me tell you after posting it, I felt liberated, no longer ducking and dodging it. I had finally face it. But the fear of ACTUALLY publishing it really started to freak me out, I thought, “ I cant believe I just posted that on the Internet for all to see.” Ive never felt so vulnerable. For two days after, I thought “Omg what have I done…” Mostly in part to the realization of who might read it, what people would think and just the simple thought of “did I really wanna do that?” There was a touch of regret that I had knowingly exposed myself in a seemingly tender situation. And it wasn’t that I had exposed the private details of the situation’s play-by-play, because I really didn’t. It was about the fact that I was willing to be that vulnerable about something that had brought me a bit of shame. Shame of exposing a part of me that wasn’t pretty or pristine. In essence I tore down a facade and stepped out of a shadow. And it was something raw and authentic. It is a part of me and now that I’d told the story, there was no turning back. I had come clean in a way.

But that was the point after all. I thought sharing that story was the hardest part but in reality it was the aftermath. It was living with the realization that I had published a very deep part of myself… on the internet. And then another realization, “wow that means its really over.” You cant tell the same story twice. This inevitably meant that I was gonna have to let go. And its especially tough when you are forced to despite your conflicting feelings of woulda, coulda, shoulda. Left with no closure, resolution or reconciliation. And so often we hold on to pain because strangely we find comfort in it. Holding onto something from our past in spite of the hurt, somehow seems easier than letting it go and moving on…into the unknown. Yet, in time I hope to find more peace with it. 

But the underlining blessing was that not only would I receive an important lesson on courage, but another on vulnerability. It was almost like a 2 for 1. Because first of all, I won’t down play the amount of courage I had to muster up just to write the damn thing. But I was totally unaware of the feelings that would come once it was actually published. I thought that once I wrote it and clicked “post” it was over. So not true. 

I say all of this to say, here is what I learned…There are many sides to vulnerablity. Just because you came clean about one thing or discovered a pattern doesn’t mean you are done. Part of vulnerability is sharing it. Don’t hide it, learn to use it. Most of our pain and shame is in layers. At the core of it is our longing for connection. It is what gives us purpose, it is why we are here. Yet so often, we struggle to find the deep connections we all crave. We tend to fear connection the most when we realize how vulnerable we must become in order to receive it. Afraid to let people see us as we are. No longer striving to hide imperfections is not weakness but authenticity. It means being who we are unapologetically. Often times we feel that if we show our true selves we will not be accepted or loved. But that is just our deep rooted feeling of unworthiness talking. NOT reality.

So how is it that we turn our fear and shame into something fulfilling and powerful? The only way to conquer something is to face it, period. Did you ever stop to think that perhaps it has been robbing you of all the things you desire most? think about that for a moment. How often do you let the list of things following the phrase “not enough” run your life? Not smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, etc. Your thoughts become things! Stop letting the voice of unworthiness run your life! If I’ve been speaking to you up until this point…now I’m shouting! Kindly that is :). In order to change your life, you’ve gotta do the work. And this means taking an honest and I mean completely honest look at yourself and the foolish, negative things you have been believing about yourself. 

Start by being grateful for all the amazing things you have been blessed with. All of the amazing people you have in your life that truly love and support you. Be grateful even when you are in the grips of fear and despair. For your attitude of gratitude is what will help pull you through. I saw a recent episode of Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday with guest Dr. Robin Smith and she shared an amazing idea (among many). Write a letter to someone whom you are grateful for and deliver the letter to them in person. Think of what a blessing that would be! To share your gratitude with someone who has lifted you up in a time of need or whatever it happens to be. And hopefully they will do the same for someone in their life. Make an effort to let those people know more often! Give love and gratitude and you shall receive it as well.

Lastly, don’t numb your vulnerabilty, for you will not only numb the negative emotions but also those that are positive. As Brene Brown put it, you can’t selectively numb emotions. Instead, fully embrace vulnerability, it is what makes us human, it is what allows us to form the connections so essential to life. In doing so, you will open yourself up to all that is possible. Understand it means there is no certainty, no guarantees in life. Live whole heartedly, authentically and courageously. Let yourself be seen, love without fear, practice gratitude and most importantly believe that YOU ARE ENOUGH!

MUCH LOVE!

-Duckie 

You can find Brene Brown’s Video here!

Tuesday 1:10 a.m.

Stop hiding.

I was seeing a guy whom I’ve known for years now. Things were on and off  for several years and still things were never really defined between us. We had our ups and downs, drama, bouts of silence and absence yet somehow he always remained. Looming in the background of my life when he wasn’t physically present. He was always there…somewhere. He always seemed to pop up in my life when I needed him or rather when I was to learn some sort of lesson. And not necessarily anything to do with the inner workings of our relationship per say, but I’ve always learned something very pivotal about myself. And they have always been profound lessons. Ones that come with their fair share of joy and pain. Extreme highs, extreme lows. But more importantly now since he is no longer present in my life, I’ve learned some extraordinary things from our time together over the past year, especially.

Since I started this public diary, often times I question how open to be about all aspects of my life. What to reveal, what not to reveal. But I have vowed to be honest, whole heartedly and completely. I came to realize today that through my avoidance of discussing this part of my life openly, it was somehow haunting me. I felt like I had to keep it secret for fear of some sort of retribution. Sure I’ve alluded to it indirectly, but I was still hiding. Yet, I think it is only now in this moment that I am ready to talk about it. And I will preface all I am about to say by making it clear that this is not a slight or bashing of his character by any means. He still means a great deal to me and is an amazing person. This is about me and my journey and what I am learning and have learned about myself. This is about my accountability, not his. Nothing more, nothing less. 

I wasn’t always honest about what I wanted from him. To be honest I’m not sure I knew. I wasn’t completely truthful with him about the inner workings of my life over this past year. Something that is crucial in the midst of forming a ligitamite bond with someone. I wasn’t blatantly lying to him, just wasn’t always telling the whole truth. I either didn’t want to discuss certain things or I danced around the whole truth about things that were going on in my life. I had opened up to him before and put a lot of trust in him. And things got thrown back in my face when things got rocky or he seemingly wanted out. But it was less about that and more about the judgement I feared if I was truthful. 

I felt afraid to show him all parts of me. I thought if I exposed all of who I was and all of the circumstances I was in, they would not be received in kind. There were things in my life that weren’t going well and I was ashamed to be honest about them. I was afraid of not being accepted or being good enough. I felt like it all fell apart because I didn’t measure up. But let me remind you this is in all hind sight now. At the time I couldn’t see how I was hiding. I’d grown up since the last time we were present in each others lives and I thought surely this time I could mend what was broken from our past. At least those were my intentions. Although I will admit I unknowingly approached things the wrong way. Here I was wanting him to be open and honest with me and turn a new leaf in our relationship, but I wasn’t being forthcoming. 

Here is where the lesson comes in. I discovered a deep rooted pattern. I learned that in my adolescence I thought I was only loved based on my accomplishments in life. As the first born child it was always said or demonstrated to me that I had to be the best, had to accomplish things, had to get good grades, set a great example for my younger sisters. Most often I did just that. But when I didn’t meet the high bar set for me, I saw myself as a failure. And if you fail then you are not rewarded, or as I saw it, you were not worthy of love. I thought that I was loved based on the great things I did or the milestones I reached. I never just felt loved for being me. Although this wasn’t true, this is how I internalized what was around me and the expectations set for me. It was a deep seated pattern that had finally come to the surface. When I realized this, it unlocked so many things for me, not just in my romantic life but it answered a lot of the questions I had in regards to the struggles I faced in my career.

When I had this revelation, about a month or so ago it all made sense. I realized that with him I thought that if I did things, like be there when he needed me, showed up even when it was inconvenient, always responded to every text, or whatever it happened to be, that I was proving myself worthy. That all of those things meant something substantial and surely if there was something wrong with me intrinsically, my efforts would make up for my shortcomings. And surely I would receive his affections after all the things I had done. I unconsciously believed that these things made me worthy. Just as I thought they did in other past situations in my life. I thought that if I did the work and showed up on time then surely this would work.

And because of my flawed logic, I wasn’t being authentic in who I was portraying to him anymore. I wasn’t fully being me. I wasn’t present enough to see what I was creating. I couldn’t see what he needed or wanted. I was so blinded by my illogical patterns. So much so that I had set myself up to fail. Ultimately I was manipulating my way through it, so focused on some end result that I missed what was right in front of me. I sabotaged every chance there was because I wasn’t being my best self. I was cheating myself. I didn’t believe that just being who I am was enough. I was not loving myself and surely you cannot give someone else what they need when you cannot give it to yourself first. And because of all of this, I lost site of the friendship, the most important part. I stopped just being a friend. The game I was trying to win was with myself. My opponent staring back at me was not him…it was me. 

But I am grateful. Although I miss him very much and wish that things could have gone differently, I am thankful that I was blessed with the opportunity to learn what I did. You must first learn to love yourself completely and that means not living behind any shadows. That is the only way to freedom, true love and happiness. Your shadows are not who you are, but where you have been. They are wounds from childhood that are meant to be healed in adulthood so that we are able to be our best selves. And lead the life we are here to live. 

Shadows give way to revelation and transformation. Don’t be afraid to step out of the shadow and into the light. Love liberates!

Much LOVE!

-Duckie

Saturday 3:57 p.m.

Find inner courage.

I gave away just about everything I owned for the last 8 years. I packed the majority of my things in a Uhaul and donated them to the Goodwill & Salvation Army. If i didnt need it or it didnt fit in my car it was to be given away, trashed or recycled. Me and my sister moved everything out of my one bedroom apartment, packed up my car and drove 2,500 miles across country to California. The bay area to be exact. Home. Thinking about it now, I still cant wrap my head around it. It hasnt sunk in yet, although elated and excited, I feel numb. 

There are so many reasons I had to leave Atlanta. I must start a new. New job, new friends, different surroundings, everything. But the physical move its only the first part. Only the beginning. Now I need to find some serious courage. To shed the baggage of the all the negativity that was keeping me stuck. All the old patterns of thinking that kept me from achieving some big goals in my life. A big part of me held onto thoughts of unworthiness in some keys aspects of my life, i.e my career path and finding an ideal romantic partner, just to name a couple. The basics I guess. Moving changes the outer circumstances. All of the things that were plaguing me while I was there have seemingly dissipated immediately, well, in theory anyway. But what happens now that I am here? And how is it that all of this seems so daunting considering the fact that picking up and moving has been so common place throughout my life?

The truth is, it’s scary. I have the bigger picture of where I want to end up and a basic plan for how to achieve it but the work is in the unforeseen details of it all. That is where the unknown truly lies. This is where courage comes in. The courage to not only build a new but to let go of the past as well. So many of the things I identified with as ‘my life’ are gone. It’s time to tell a new story.

Certain situations in my career and with romantic partners just didn’t pan out like I imagined…despite my best effort. The pain and emotions stemming from all of that really stuck with me. Not feeling respected, valued or loved really had me believing that all I ever dreamed of and deserved just wasn’t possible. I believed I wasn’t worth it. Not good enough, not talented enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, just not enough. Despite all of my attempts and all of my BEST efforts I just didnt seem to cut it. All of that left me feeling empty. 

So here I am now. I have to find the courage to let all of those things go for good and to let go of all the negative things I believed about myself and what is possible. I have to find the strength to carry on in the midst of the unknown, step out in faith and begin again. This is the beginning of the next chapter…

Lastly, I would like to send out a special thanks to all of my friends in Atlanta who helped me through this transition. You are appreciated and will never be forgotten. I would name names but for fear of accidently leaving someone out I won’t, you know who you are!!! :)

Much LOVE!

-Duckie

Check out these articles, very fitting for today’s entry. Really great stuff! Enjoy!

There are no Mistakes

When it’s time to let go

Sunday 5:41 p.m.

Love uncondtionally.

But what does that really mean? Often when we are hurt by others, confused by their actions or place judgements on other’s choices in life, it creates turmoil in our own lives. We justify our gossiping, feel superior when we see others make “bad” choices and unknowingly make others feel shameful for who they are or the decisions they make. But that is not our place, nor our purpose as fellow human beings. Those notions separate us and lock love, understanding and peace away. Why do we judge other’s for the life decisions they make when they have nothing to with us? And each one of us is on our OWN journey, not anyone else’s. Its one thing to place judgement and shame on others we don’t know, but what’s even more damaging is when we do it to the ones we love.

Why do we find it so hard to accept people as they are? It’s our ego, the self projected image of who we are that is based in the superficiality of life. It isn’t who we really are, it is a mask we create to protect ourselves, it is a mask that hides our depth. The ego gets stronger the more we hide our true selves, buried in our past hurts and pain. We are more than this, we are not our ego. Our true selves comes from love, compassion and integrity. The more we learn to let go of ego, we open ourselves up to love, the gateway to all things great. We can then learn to love others around us, faults and all.

You will never fully understand others journey and their struggles. But outside of the tangible challenges we face are the emotions we feel that come with them. Take a minute to think about how that person is feeling and what may have compelled them to make the choices they did. Once you realize you too have felt the feelings of sorrow, lose, betrayal and so on, you become more compassionate. And what a wonderful blessing it is to give someone unconditional love at a time when they may be lost or feeling alone.

I have learned the value of this more intensely this year. Often times I felt forsaken by those I really cared about. I felt judged, misunderstood and alone at times when I needed unconditional love the most. Especially when I felt like I had never forsaken them. We are not perfect, and we are not meant to be. And because I had felt abandon I became angry and bitter. I started to resent those people. And to make matters worse many of the conflicts I had with these people were never able to get resolved. Some refused to speak to me or had just up and disappeared without a trace. I was left with no type of resolve or closure. It was in these moments that I realized I would have to learn the greater lesson here.

It wasn’t that I was being punished, as much as it appeared that way, I realized that there is a blessing in all of this. If I could not get closure or confront these people about the pain they caused me, which always seems like the best medicine, then I would have to find a way to heal myself. And I will be the first to admit as a full fledge scorpio woman, vengeance and vindication is something I used to live for. Sweet revenge! An eye for an eye was how I saw it. But nobody wins. everybody just ends up hurt and scarred. Yet, I’ve evolved, I don’t like to turn to my dark side anymore, which mind you, I am very comfortable and in tune with. So where is the blessing in all of this? What’s the lesson?

I learned that I had to see it from their vantage point. People hurt others because they are hurting. It is a cycle if you are not conscious enough to recognize it and end it. A wound will continue to bleed if not healed. I realized that as much as I was hurting, I had to recognize they were hurting too. Even if I wasn’t sure where the hurt came from I had to be compassionate even when I didn’t understand because I too know pain. So often people hurt us and it has nothing to do with us or anything that we did per say. Maybe we were a trigger or catalyst, but the hurt is usually deeper. That doesn’t mean we should not be accountable if we have hurt someone but it means that when we are “innocent” in the situation, challenge yourself to see the bigger picture. Recognize that they may be repeating an unconscious pattern stemming from their past baggage, not anything directly involving you.

Ever heard that saying, “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.” This applies here. And even though you may have been hurt by someone you love or care for, remember they are not perfect and we all make mistakes. And loving someone unconditionally means forgiving, accepting. And in time they will get what is coming to them. They will learn the lesson, the uni-verse will deliver that when it is time, it is not for you to orchestrate. But let me be clear, I’m not condoning abuse of any kind and if you feel you are not valued in a relationship you should walk away. That doesn’t mean your love for them has to change, but you have to take care of yourself first! Sometimes we have to love people from a distance and that is perfectly ok.

And now that I’ve learned this I am not plagued by the hurt anymore. I have let it go. I still struggle at times, but it’s something you work at. And no matter how long ago it was or how painful it may have been, you too can heal yourself. Holding in your pain is poison and it keeps you from loving, being loved, and being your best self. You have the power to heal yourself! No drugs, doctor, shrink or alcohol can heal you the way you can heal yourself! Recognize your power, you can do it!

And as you heal old wounds you will be blessed with freedom and grace. You will be able to love again and this time choose to love unconditionally, for that is REAL Love. All the love you give to people you will receive in return. The Uni-verse is reciprical that way and what a blessing that is!

Much LOVE!

-Duckie

My sister Amanda inspires me a lot! She is super creative and an amazing writer, thinker and enthusiast. I look forward to sharing more of her poems and writings here! Thanks for reading! Much LOVE! 

Not expressing how you feel will hold you back

when your heart feels something it is in it’s nature to express it

in that moment, in that heart beat in some kind of way

When you hold back these heart beats they build up

and your heart feels heavy, life feels heavy 

but life shouldn’t feel heavy

For the power of creation is the wind in your hair

The power of creation is the energy in our hearts

it is light, quick, momentary, it is now.

Life is always now

Learn how to express your heart, not your vengeance

Learn what makes you hurt, what makes you cry and grow from that

Be the rainbow in the clouds

Ask why but don’t think about it, keep moving forward

Let it go, and in due time life will answer.

Patience is time, time is truth, truth is creation.